The Life I Never Asked For Read online

  I stare back at her like she’s speaking another language. “Thanks, Mom.”

  “I’m just saying…”

  Before – Nine Years Together

  “Go! I don’t want you to see me like this,” I say, pushing Finn away with all the energy I can muster. I’m laid up, plastered around the toilet.

  He grabs at my hands before inching closer again. “If you think there’s any part of you I don’t know or haven’t seen yet, after all these years, you’re sorely mistaken, my dear.”

  I groan and stop fighting him. If he wants to be around puke, it’s his prerogative. Wiping my mouth with toilet paper, I drop it into the murky toilet, and flush.

  “Do you want me to bring you some water?” he asks, unfazed.

  I nod, knowing that it will get him out of my hair for a moment. Falling back against the wall, I breathe heavily. I don’t know what I ate, but I feel terrible.

  He returns quickly with a glass of water in one hand and some sourdough bread in his other. “Here, I figured this might help.”

  So thoughtful, that’s just Finn. “Thank you,” I say, taking both from him.

  “You don’t think it was the food cart, do you?”

  I shrug, taking the smallest sip of water. “I don’t know. I just haven’t been feeling good this entire week. I feel like I have vertigo.”

  He crouches down so he is on my level, placing the back of his hand against my forehead. “You aren’t running a fever.”

  “I know. I probably just ate something bad.”

  His face contorts in a confused look. “All week long?”

  “I haven’t been puking all week, babe. I’ve just been nauseous.”

  He nods and then his eyes widen. “You don’t think…”

  I’m still breathing heavily and attempting to calm the storm brewing in my stomach. It feels like I’m on a ship at sea amongst rough waters. I can barely hold it together enough to understand what Finn is trying to say.

  “I mean, you don’t think there is any possibility that you might be pregnant, do you?”

  I stare back at him wide-eyed. “No way. You know I’m on the pill and we use protection. That would have to be a one in a million chance. You’re crazy.”

  He throws his hands in the air, surrendering. “Hey, I’m just saying. There’s always that one percent chance.”

  I roll my eyes at him and then gently push him away.

  “You want to go lie on the couch?”

  I shake my head. “I just need a couple of minutes. I’ll come up in a bit.”

  He nods and then stands. “You know, if you were…pregnant, I don’t think it would be the worst thing in the world.”

  My mouth falls open. “What about your new promotion? I thought you were going to be traveling a lot.”

  “I am, but that’s right now. Who knows what requirements I will have in six months, or even a year.”

  My chest tightens. “I mean, you think you’re ready for that? It’s a lot of responsibility.” We’ve been together so long; it’s only natural that we would get married and have children. Two years ago, right after our honeymoon, Finn got his first promotion of many, and it didn’t feel like the right time, so we continued our practice of double protection.

  “Bubs,” Finn says, softly. “You’ve spent a lot of time thinking about me the past few years, especially after I graduated. You’ve been so patient with me through everything. Throughout our entire time together, I’ve never felt pressured or forced into anything. We got married on my schedule, we went traveling per my suggestion, and we’ve been living in Seattle because of my job that’s kept us tethered. I can’t remember the last time you got something you wanted.”

  Emotions overtake me and I begin tearing up.

  “Awww, babe,” he immediately rushes to my side, pulling me into him. “I didn’t mean to make you upset, I know you aren’t feeling well.”

  Breathing in deeply, I know I can’t keep him in the dark any longer. “I think I’m pregnant,” I barely get out between stilted sobs.

  Finn rubs my back soothingly, not saying a word at first. I hate that he keeps me in suspense.

  Once I’m breathing normally again, he kisses the top of my head ever so gently. I close my eyes, finally feeling relief to my upset stomach. “There’s nothing else I want more in the world than to start a family with you, so let’s get a test. Not one of those store-bought ones, but let’s get a real test to ease both our minds, okay?”

  I pull away slightly, staring into his grayish-blue eyes. “Are you sure you’re ready to be a father?”

  He chuckles. “I’ve actually had baby fever for the last year and a half.”

  I punch him in the chest, lightly. “And you never said anything? I call bullshit.”

  He laughs. “It didn’t feel like the right time. We were happy, we were carefree.”

  “Well you can kiss that feeling goodbye in nine months!” I joke, lightly.

  He stares back at me with an unwavering expression. “If I’m with you, I’m happy. You are my happy place.”

  “Finn, you are so cheesy!” I push him away, playfully. But hand to God, it’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. He’s the best thing that ever happened to me and I hope that never changes.

  Trust the Journey

  A shuffle pierces my dreams, and I wake up with a jolt. Sitting up in bed, my hair is pinned to my forehead by sweat and I’m breathing heavily. More commotion comes from the hallway and my heart begins pounding louder and louder.

  Tip-toeing toward the noise, I gently open the guestroom door, peeking into the hallway. There are boxes piled against the wall next to Easten’s room, and after more shuffling, I see Keifer carrying another stack to the hallway, before dropping them on the ground.

  “How did you get in here?” I ask, startled by not only the noise, but also his presence.

  He glances at me before wiping the sweat from his forehead with the back of his arm. “Grace has a key. She gave it to me so I could help you with packing up…although it looks like you already got that handled. So, I’m helping you get rid of this stuff.”

  My eyes shift to the darkened window that faces us from the bathroom. “Keifer, what time is it? You couldn’t wait until it was light outside like a normal human being, and then knock?” I’m still holding the door in front of my body, given the fact that I only sleep in Finn’s old shirts nowadays.

  He shrugs. “I felt guilty for running out the other day and figured now was as good a time as any to make it up to you.” He pauses, eyeing me closer. “Hey, no more cast?”

  Sighing, I close the door and then proceed to throw on a bra and some sweats. After I’m more presentable and have a chance to run a hairbrush through my messy hair, I emerge. Passing by all the boxes in the hallway, my heart clenches inside of my chest. This feels so wrong.

  Poking my head inside of Easten’s room, it is eerily empty, besides the unmade bed and the lonely wooden hangars, all remnants of her have been boxed up or claimed. Sitting down on the bed, I grab her pillow and bring it up to my nose, inhaling her scent. It’s the one thing that has helped me still feel close to her. I bite my lip as a tear falls silently down my cheek.

  Without thinking it through, I pull out my cell phone and dial his number. It rings a few times before his familiar voicemail picks up. I close my eyes, soaking his voice into my bones, my pores. And then comes the beep.

  Breathing deeply, I put time and thought into my next words. “It’s been awhile,” I say shakily. “I haven’t forgotten…I’ll never forget. It’s just been hard. I know this isn’t healthy and that I need to move on.” I pause, glancing at the open doorway, thankful that Keifer is nowhere in sight. “This is going to be my last call. I know I’ve said that a lot, but I actually mean it this time. The line is being disconnected at midnight. It’s not what I want, but it’s what I need. I need to move on from you, whether I want to or not. It’s the only way I’m going to be able to survive this.” I hear
footsteps ascending the stairs, so I spin around with my back facing the doorway. “I will love you till the day I die.” Hanging up the phone, I turn to face Keifer.

  He raises an eyebrow, challenging me with his silent stare.

  I don’t bother explaining anything. Instead, I walk past him, remaining mute.

  Although his timing was not preferred, he definitely has a method to his madness. By eight o’clock this morning, he has all their belongings packed up and into the back of Finn’s uncle’s truck.

  “Where will you take them?” I ask, sadly.

  He looks away, uncomfortably. “I’m going to take them to the church first. Anything they can’t use, I’ll donate to the mission.”

  “That sounds good.” I know I’ve kept what I wanted of theirs, but getting rid of everything else makes me feel like I’m abandoning them. I can barely look Keifer in the eyes.

  “Hey,” he says, softly. “I heard you talking to him earlier.”

  A blush creeps up my neck and into my cheeks. I thought I was being careful.

  “Have you been doing that since…?” he trails off, almost ashamed to finish his question. I’m embarrassed he knows my secret.

  I nod. No point in hiding anything now.

  “Tobin…” he says, gently, and for the first time since we’ve met, I can actually hear the sympathy in his tone.

  Turning away from him, my heart flutters. “I know it’s not healthy, and I’ll probably be viewed as a little crazy…but for a second, I’m able to forget about everything else in the world and just hear his voice again. You have no idea how many times I’ve wished to be able to see him one more time. How many times I’ve relived what I can from the accident, wishing that I had just a few seconds more with them.” It’s the first time I’m explaining this to anyone, so my emotions take over.

  “You don’t owe me any kind of explanation.”

  Breathing in deeply, I realize he’s right. No one gets to dictate how I deal with such a tragedy, except for me. If it takes me years to move past this, then so be it. I just need to take it day by day.

  He drives off a few minutes later and there is an emptiness that looms. The footsteps back to my house feel heavy, like being stuck in quicksand. The minute I walk through that door, everything will be different. It’s something I’ve known for a while, but haven’t been ready to face. This is the beginning of the rest of my life. A life I never asked for, nor wanted. A life I need to figure out how to maneuver.

  There’s no way I can go back to my past life. That Tobin died with Finn and Easten. Going back to school right now and being among my children would be amazing, but it wouldn’t be fair to them. I can’t focus on anything these days, and they deserve the absolute best. I don’t want to get anyone’s hopes up and then ruin them. It wouldn’t be fair.

  My house is dark and empty as I open my laptop and quickly search for flights. I don’t have a destination in mind, just the need to get out of my head for a bit. I was able to draw a little out of Finn’s retirement, enough to last me at least two months of traveling…as long as I stay within my means.

  An amazing deal catches my eye. A roundtrip flight to Thailand for $599? It almost seems too good to be true. The last few weeks it’s been around double that cost, so I’m anxious to take advantage of it before it’s too late. Without looking back, I book the flight for next month. It will give me enough time to find a person to rent out my house to, while I’m gone. I end up opting for the one-way flight which ends up saving me another $100, because I like having the freedom of not knowing where I will end up or when.

  Before – Almost Ten Years Together

  “Isn’t she just…perfect?” Finn asks, kissing the bottom of Easten’s soft feet.

  Smiling back at him, I give him a quick peck on the lips. “She’s everything.”

  He rubs the top of my head soothingly. “You did so good today, mama. I’m so incredibly proud of you.”

  I sigh. In all fairness, I’m exhausted, but I wouldn’t miss this moment for anything in the world.

  Easten yawns, her miniature hands and feet curling in the process, and everyone in the room coos at the same time. Originally, I thought I just wanted it to be Finn and me in the delivery room, but as the time neared, I realized that I needed my mother and Torrie. Of course, Finn’s mother, Grace, is also in the room, so it’s just a little crowded.

  Baby Easten is passed around slowly, getting love from each and every person. Falling back against the pillow, I can’t help but smile. She has so many people who love her already. She is going to be spoiled.

  “What are you thinking about?” Finn whispers, pulling me into our own little world.

  I shift my eyes to meet his. “I’m thinking about how lucky we are. I feel like the luckiest person on the planet.”

  Finn squeezes my hand and then kisses the top of it, gently. “We’re going to be kickass parents.”

  I giggle. “That sounds about right.”

  “Are you going to be one of those strict dads or are you going to let her have some freedom?” My mother asks Finn.

  He shrugs. “We’ll see how I feel. For right now, all that matters is that I protect her, always.”

  I grip his hand, lovingly. He is going to be the most amazing father.

  I wouldn’t trade my life for anything in the world. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been, and know it’s only going to get better from here. First Finn changed my life, and now Easten is going to help make it. This is everything I’ve ever wanted. “I love you, Dad.”

  He grins widely back at me. “How about we stick to our normal nicknames? Dad is just a little creepy with your father sitting out in the waiting room.”

  I can’t help the giggle that escapes my lips. My mother is handing Easten back over, before I realize. Luckily, Finn is already a pro and he scoops her up in his big arms. “Thanks, babe.”

  He laughs. “Much better.” Shifting his focus to our beautiful, new daughter, he stares at her with wonder and amazement. She hasn’t cried yet, so we’re all just a bit gob smacked. She’s extremely well-tempered for the ordeal she just endured and her eyes are even open. They dart around the room at all the different sights and sounds, but when they land on me, they lower just a little bit. It’s as if she already knows who I am.

  Finn glances at me lovingly before he kisses the side of my head. “She’s perfect.”

  I nod. “Better than I could have ever dreamt.”

  “We’re just going to leave you guys alone, I’m sure you’d like to spend some time as a family and get some rest.” Grace, Finn’s mother, speaks for everyone, before they all begin shuffling out the door.

  “What if we really mess her up?”

  He stares back down at her as she yawns, tiredly, and her eyes close. “She can’t be any worse than we are.”

  “Uh oh,” I exclaim, dramatically. “She’s doomed.”

  Finn shoos me away with one of his hands as he rocks Easten to sleep. “Daddy and Mommy love you, baby girl. You’re always going to be my baby.”

  My heart is bursting from the sight of my husband and our daughter. I know without a fraction of a doubt that she is going to have him wrapped around her tiny, little finger.

  Exhaustion takes over and I can’t fight it any longer. My eyes flutter closed and I lock the memory away to cherish forever.

  Say Yes to New Adventures

  “So, how has everything been since Keifer helped you move their belongings?” Grace asks, casually, as we grab a bite to eat at a local Mediterranean restaurant.

  “Sad,” I reply, honestly, dipping my naan in the tasty hummus. Unfortunately, I’ve grown accustomed to the hopelessness and emptiness that now resides inside of me.

  She nods. “I have a feeling it’s going to be like that for a while. How is your arm feeling?”

  “It’s okay.” A sigh escapes my lips. “Just trying everything in my power to not reinjure it.”

  “Are you ready for Thailand?”

 
; Taking a sip of my Sprite, I shake my head. “There are still a couple of weeks left to prepare.”

  “Have you spoken to Keifer about renting your place while you’re gone?”

  I stare back at her like she has two heads. “You’re serious?”

  “Of course.” She doesn’t miss a beat. “Wouldn’t you rather have a family member rent from you than a total stranger? And plus, I’m sure he’s rarely home with his schedule.”

  I shrug. “I’ll think about it.” I’m hoping Grace drops it. The thought of talking to Keifer about this makes my skin crawl. We have been cordial as of late, but are still not on the best terms, making things more than a little awkward with every encounter.

  “So, have you started planning exactly where you are going to go?”

  I shake my head. “I am going into this one blind. I’ve booked two different hotels, one in Phuket and the other in Bangkok. I figure I can meet some locals who can point me to the best underrated bars and restaurants. I’m really excited.”

  “We’re really thrilled for you, dear. Just the other day Caydence was saying how jealous she is that you’re going. Why didn’t you ask her to go with you?”

  I shrug. “This was kind of an impulse decision. I didn’t think anyone would be able to get the time off with such little notice.”

  Grace looks disappointed. “It never hurts to ask, Tobin. What’s the worst someone can say, no?” She’s right, and I know it.

  Nodding, I put on my best apologetic expression. “You’re right. I’m not alone and I need to stop acting that way.”

  She tears up a bit. “Tobin, you’ve never been alone. Not since the second Finn brought you home to us. You were every bit ours as you were his. You still are.” She reaches her hand out and grips my wrist. “I love you like you are my own daughter. You changed Finn’s life and you sure as hell changed mine. You gave me a beautiful granddaughter and made my son so incredibly happy. I want you to know that when the time comes…we don’t have to talk about it until you’re ready.”